Here are some amusing anecdotes and interesting comments about family life and partnerships; if you have any to share, please email us!
Seems like this is an international attraction for some?
One day you may well want to date again. Check out this site for all the info you will ever need! www.singlemomseeking.com
Click on the music gallery on your left provided courtesy of internationally acclaimed young composer Josh Field, sit back and enjoy..... www.joshuafield.net
Good reasons to leave a Life Partner by Desertion Survivors' Exes...
'It was lonely having to stay in hotels overnight all alone and on my own"
"I just want some space, that 's not too much to ask, is it?"
'You are just being paranoid, just because someone you walk in the woods with every day happens to be quite pretty and also just happens to be female does not mean I am having an affair, silly'
''Don't worry It's not you, it's me, it is me that needs some help and support"
''This is not just a normal affair, it's serious!!!!''
''It's not like I am deserting you and the kids, I will still be on the end of a bloody phone!!''
''I'm not just upping and running away from my responsibilities without warning, I am telling you now aren't I?"
'I'm NOT just some scumbag you know, I was your loyal and loving husband for 30 years!''
''I'm not having a midlife crisis. I am not some bloody cliche but neither of us are getting any younger are we?''
"I feel trapped, there's got to be more to life than this marriage"
''It's your fault, you didn't love me enough, you didn't walk round town holding hands with me, you never once just kissed me full on, in the street, you didn't just get in the bath with me without me asking first and it is not as if we even had sex together in at least two and a half weeks!"
''You have got to admit we have nothing much in common any more. You just stay at home with the house and the kids, dreaming of romance and reading those soppy stories at bedtime and watching the soaps. I like football and going out with my mates!"
And some great reasons to be happy they left, by Desertion Survivors:
Being able to drink on a night out - not having the argument about who has to drive home. (I get a cab with my mates!)
Not having to pick him and his mates (and their kebabs) up after "A Session"
Not having to experience the drunken tale of how great his night out was - which was usually delivered at 3am whilst he ate some horrible fast food gloop - and telling me everything at least 3 times.
The awful effects on his body of "the morning after the night before"...
I lie on his side of the bed (my bed's 6ft wide) and stretch all the way across.
I bought expensive bed linen and really appreciate it.
I can read in bed before I go to sleep - he would never let me have light on.
I home-educate my daughter who is much happier being out of school, he would never let me and made me feel bad even considering it, but I know I've done right thing.
I don't have to make a big dinner at a certain time every night; I actually enjoy cooking a meal now its not a necessity.
Loads less washing!
I can get up when I like.
I can put on my music as loud as I like.
I'm in charge of the remote control !!!!!!!!
No more 'bathroom' smells (errgh!)
You can now make a journey whilst map-reading perfectly well for yourself
No more listening to the stupid sayings of his mother (Oh, bliss!)
No guilt feelings about your fantasies (you know there were some which didn't feature him, weren't there?)
Go on Friends Reunited, maybe leave a message for some guy in your class.
You can go out and buy something you know he would hate
Everyone has at least one friend who loves garlic - the two of you can go mad with it, the effect may last for two days but WA-HEY!
He might use the children as spies, but you can forget to mention him at all
I can watch all the reality TV programmes I like without him making me feel guilty or boring
If I wake up in the middle of the night (as I often do at the moment as I do not sleep well) I can get up and make myself a drink, bring it back to bed, put the light on and read or write. I find it very helpful to write down everything I am thinking or feeling.
I don't rush to get dinner ready for 6 o'clock every night like I did when he used to get home. We have it when we feel like it.
No shirts to iron!
A tidy bedroom!
More wardrobe space. I have crammed what he has left into a tiny wardrobe and spread my own clothes out. Same goes for drawer space.
Text my friends and sister at night without him tutting by the side of me or throwing a wobbler
Be me without worrying about whether it is how he wants me to be
No toe nail clippings and awful athlete's foot treatments everywhere!
Listen to my favourite CDs all the time
Shop every bloody day if I want to and then don't have to hide the carrier bags when I come home
There is actually more than one glass of wine in a whole bottle ???
Appreciating that you have the best family and friends in the world... who else would have seen you through it?
No picking up socks and pants from the bedroom floor
Eating pasta and salads and generally enjoying meals that don't have meat in them - especially steak or bacon!
Going on holiday to just relax, read, swim and sunbathe rather than trekking up mountains in the heat of the midday sun
Watching him day by day get more like his father
Throwing wobblies because Chelsea lost
I can put more hours in at work and build up my flexi time because I don't have to rush home to cook
Flirting outrageously with the lads at Kwikfit because I didn't know how to put air in the tyres and wanted them to show me - I know now!
Oh, the thrill when you successfully tackle your first bit of DIY!
No more toothpaste all over the taps
No hairs blown out of his shaver all over the loo
No more shouting and blaming me 'cos he can't find something
Daughter and I ate chips with tomato sauce on the cream sofa - he'd have gone mad! We didn't spill any either!!
Can make decisions without being made to feel stupid
Can watch trash on the TV as late as I want
Don't have to tidy up and hoover every day just so he doesn't pick fault.
Can wash the dirty pots when I want, not immediately after a meal, before having a drink and relaxing.
I go where I want, when I want.
Talk to who I want, when I want.
Am free from fear of mental, verbal and physical abuse if I didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted
No more wearing black the whole time. God, I look good in pink!
No more having to say where I am all the time or who I am with. Sometimes no-one in the whole family knows where I am.
No more having to repeat conversations I've had with men during the day.
No more bloody washing, ironing or cooking.
No more Bruce Willis-type films to sit through. Bridget Jones was very funny, as were all the others I have seen recently!
Decorated the whole house in my style, no expense spared
Ultra modern bathroom with spa bath
No taking his smelly running clothes off the radiator to wash
No snoring
Walking round the house in the nude without being ridiculed
No more having to watch football results at tea time on a Saturday
Wearing my socks in bed and a Bridget Jones style pyjama set!
No more listening to his awful taste in music.
No more having to pick up the ear-wax-covered cotton buds he left around (yuk!!)
There is no longer a resident pair of boxers on the bedroom floor.
Choosing my kitchen, bathroom and decor all by myself.
Buying a horse and spending hours out riding without having to rush home to look after him.
Not having to watch him pick his nose and ears and eat it!
Some funny (and some tasteless) jokes by The Desertion Survivors Forum
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thin g your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh....
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
'We only stayed together because neither of us wanted custody of our kids.'
'She said I was a bad lover but how would she know, we never made love for longer than 10 seconds!'
'She had a black belt in cookery - one chop and believe me you were dead!'
'She was very innocent when we first met so I took her to a sex shop. I asked the assistant to show her the vibrators and the shop girl said they were all on the wall displayed at the very back of the shop. Her eyes lit up and she said "can I have the big red one darling?". "No dearest, that's the fire exstinguisher!
She ended up buying a smaller one in the end and I showed her just how to use it properly, silly girl took all the enamel off her teeth!
It didn't go well the first time we did made love though. It was a bit cold and we were in the dark and I said to her I thought the hot water bottle had burst. She said oh that's just my collostomy bag!
Why does a Bolter always seem to smell so bad,
So even the blind can hate them!
How do you stop a Bolter from drowning,
TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THEIR HEAD!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is:
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place - everyone knows that!
When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally - ever wondered why? Because she smells like a new car!
Betty and Tim were killed in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. "I'll find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months passed and finally Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you." "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know, if things don't work out is it possible that we could be divorced?" To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here. How long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing. The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says "How the hell do you feed yourself with THAT?"
My husband and I have discovered the solution to a happy marriage - two nights a week we go out to a fine restaurant, eat fine food, drink fine wines and enjoy good company. I go on Tuesdays, he goes on Thursdays.
My husband and his mistress hold hands everywhere they go; if he lets go, she shops.
My husband's mistress had her handbag stolen recently. He hasn't cancelled the credit cards, the thief's spending less than she did....
The last argument with my wife was my fault; she asked what was on the TV...... I said "dust".
How do you stop your mistress spending all the money? Hide the credit card under the vacuum cleaner!
Doctor: Mrs Cohen, your cheque for my medical bill was returned from the bank Mrs Cohen; Funny that, so has my arthritis!
A human foetus is viable in 27 weeks A Jewish foetus is viable in 27 years, when he qualifies as a doctor!
Hello Mum its your son Oh hello darling I havent eaten in three weeks Why not I didnt want you to catch me with my mouth full when you got round to ringing me!
Famous Quotes
"It's not how far you fall, it's how quick you can pick yourself up"
(a Desertion Survivor male)
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant" George Burns
"I am only going to speak to my wife through a solicitor - or, preferably, a medium!". Desertion Survivor male
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy
James Goldsmith
A man who does not spend time with his family can never be a real man
Greg Dyke
David Blunkett has resigned to spend time with someone else's family
Ronnie Corbett- Have I got news for you
Do you think the reason I am screwed up about men is because my Father walked out on us?
Carrie and Miranda-Sex in the City
The one thing my absent father taught me, that he doesn't even know he taught me, was that I don't want to be like him......
Berni Mac
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen-he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter It is all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.....
David Letterman
After my wife left me I thought of killing myself. I wrote two lists one with reasons to say alive and the other with reasons to end it
The Why Bother list was two pages
The Why Not list was two words...........the children
Bob Geldof
The family you come from is as important as the family you're going to have................
Ring Larder
I think he has lost a sensitivity chip
Jennifer Aston
Whenever I date a guy, I think is this the man I want my kids to spend their weekends with
Rita Rudner
Never marry and man who hates his mother because he will end up hating you
Jill Benett
The first time you buy a house you see how pretty it is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites.......its the same with men
Loupe Velez
You know what we can be like: see a guy and think he is cute one minute, the next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says, I'd like you meet Cecil, we shout You're late with the child support
Cynthia Heimel
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him
Cher
A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil she wants to see what she is getting
Helen Rowland
The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a incomplete abortion aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited. Maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples
