A Little Advice From Us To Help You Cope Better After Being Deserted...

Children

*Any information that will no doubt have a major impact on your children's lives requires careful handling. In fact, although we as parents can rarely prevent our children from having ‘bad stuff’ happen in their lives, we can affect the impact it has on them. 'Bad stuff' needs to be renamed 'major challenges' because like everything that happens in life, it is either a challenge you chose or a challenge that was given to you by ‘Life’ itself. For ‘life’ in this case read ‘The Bolter‘!

*To remove the anger, fear, jealousy or hurt from any situation, as a parent you need to see this as impersonally as you can. That way you can be of help, not a hindrance, in training your child for the best life possible, even as the child of divorced parents.

* Whether a voluntary challenge or not, you want to lessen the effect and enable your child to benefit from this. See this situation as something ‘Life’ entrusted to you to sort out, not something ‘The Bolter’ dumped on you. ‘Life’ believes you have the potential to harness your emotional maturity and will provide you with the strength you need for both you and your offspring to be able to cope with everything 'Life' throws at you. As a consequence of how well you cope, these experiences actually can be the making of you all.

*Like a tough exam you elected to take, a difficult project you took on, a hard mountain climb you are training for, 'Life' can equip you... or break you! A parent who can approach this seemingly horrible situation and turn it around will be turning 'base metal into pure gold'; learning from your example, your child will be better equipped to cope with anything in their own future dealings with 'Life's Major Challenges'.

Golden Rules that really, really do work

*Never, never, never lie to protect your children! The truth sets us all free and secrets or lies do emerge in the future, and will make your child, once an adult, feel all their life has been one big fake, a big fat filthy lie, even though this would have been just one - albeit major - part of their formative life.

*On saying that, try to minimise the impact of the bare truth in line with your sense of what they can cope with at this present moment. Let the truth, the real truth, emerge gently over as long a period as possible.

*Temper the effect of the truth with whatever positive feelings you can provide.

*Prepare yourself each time you talk about ‘The Bolter’ - perhaps use this site to get in as compassionate a frame of mind as possible. Remember, every time you say hurtful things about ‘The Bolter’ you are actually fragmenting your child’s sense of self. They love that 'self object', their parent, and that 'self object' is part of who they feel they are.

*Stability and love are your best weapons so only let your child/ren see you under control, strong, protective, constant, dignified and all-loving.

*Although you may feel angry, bitter and resentful, try to foster compassion. Sadness is really what is underlying this situation, and the loss of innocence for all concerned. The wound that has been inflicted, however sad you are, will make your child become even sadder if they see how hurt you are. You must allow your sadness to quickly mature into an all-round compassion for this situation and for everyone involved.

Did you know that when you smile, even when really angry or very sad, just from the movements of your facial muscles the brain believes you are happy and still produces the same chemicals that usually make you feel happy? Before you speak about your ‘Bolter’ to your child/ren at any time, stop and put on an (albeit pretend) 'happy smile' first. Perhaps the best you will ever achieve is moderate compassion for The Bolter, mixed with immense love and compassion for yourself and your little one/s. That will be far better for you and your child/ren than what you are probably producing right now!

In conclusion, timing, sensitivity and compassion will enable even the most sensitive child to slowly become able to bear the enormous impact that losing a parent from their family unit always creates. Whatever the state your relationship was in preceding the break-up, if they loved their parent and the parent left them, they have lost their sense of who they are. You may not be able to provide a 'perfect passage' for your child but if they are able to talk to you freely without feeling they are causing extra pain to you, then this 'open talk', tempered with compassion and acceptance, can actually create a behavioural pattern in the brain. This pattern will enable your offspring to cope with the rest of life's catastrophes in a manner that retains their sense of identity and inner strength.

Some Answers To The Most Frequently Asked Questions About Desertion

Q. Why do I feel so lonely even though I don't want my partner to come back?

A. When a person has been living with another person for quite a while and has considered themselves part of a team in a manner of speaking, they become institutionalised to the partnership. Even if the marriage now seems like it was a virtual prison sentence, it will take quite a while to re-adjust. If you have gone from a 'we' to an 'I', you won't feel whole for some time depending on a number of factors.

Q. Why do I feel so angry?

A. Anger is a natural feeling when a partner has left suddenly. You are grieving for the death of a relationship and just like the death of a partner you will feel anger, rage, envy, and resentment. And the logical next question is "why me?".

This stage is very difficult to cope with from the point of view of close friends and family. Few of us can imagine ourselves in this position unless we have been there but you are dealing with a serious life change. Not only have you lost your lifelong companion, friend and lover but inevitably you will be in a worse financial situation than before. This is a stage and it will eventually pass; how long it takes will depend on many factors and you may still be reminded of these feelings years later. The key is not to alienate family and friends by remaining bitter about the breakdown of the relationship.

Q. Why do I feel so useless?

A. The first reaction on hearing the news that your partner is leaving you is one of denial. Many of you will be convinced that he or she has made a mistake; perhaps they were only saying this to frighten you and you are hoping that this is an error? Denial is a function which can act as a buffer after the unexpected shock and allows one to collect oneself. It is a temporary defence and will soon be replaced by partial acceptance. That does not mean it is any less hurtful. Talking about your situation and the reality of it can be helpful and can help you come to terms with it - do not be afraid to tell people, it is not a disease and it does not need to be hidden. You are the deserted one and you have done nothing wrong.

Q. I pretend to be happy and tell everyone I am alright...

A. That is natural; Friends and Family will know that you are pretending to be happy. They can help by talking about the future and new challenges; they can also help by listening to the endless story. You will feel compelled to repeat and repeat the details of what has happened to you - remember, eventually this will help you come to terms with your situation. You may feel like a broken record but do not be afraid to keep talking about it.

Q. I keep ringing and texting my ex!

A. Facing the facts is not easy. You will have been through the stage of denial and then anger, now you enter the bargaining stage. You convince yourself that maybe there is a chance that you could get back together and you promise to change - you may even begin to have a relationship with your ex. Remember your ex has lied to you over a period of time and in this stage you are allowing them to repeat their behaviours. It will not change the situation and this bargaining with your ex is really just an attempt to postpone the inevitable.

Q. I feel like I have lost something and keep crying

A. The sense of numbness, stoicism, anger or rage is soon replaced with a sense of great loss which can affect your family and friends. In particular it is at this stage of the grieving process that you are at your most vulnerable and your family feel powerless to help you. At this time you may feel both reactive depression and preparatory depression - one is about loss that has already happened, the other is about the future and what will be lost.

The initial reaction from family and friends is to try and cheer you up. This might be helpful for a short period but it is useful to know that sadness is natural, as you will have lost a great deal. People cope in different ways - going to the gym, taking up a new activity or taking anti depressants for a short time may help. It may also be helpful to see a counsellor or have short term therapy, such as the free ten-week Writing4Healing programme offered on this site. Do what you feel comfortable with

What ultimately is important is that you start doing things and meeting people. Eventually - and it can take a long time, years even, but eventually - you will not feel so sad, with that sense of abandonment.

Q. In desperate hope I go and search for him/her in all the corners of my room - I keep hoping that my ex will return...

A. This is normal and for anyone facing tragic news there is a defence mechanism which helps everyone to cope with extremely difficult situations. The most important of these is hope; most accepting and realistic people still leave open the possibility of a last minute reprieve, that their partner may change his or her mind and return. It is this glimpse of hope which can often maintain you through the next few weeks or months and will help you in your most difficult times. However, the hope of a partner returning must ultimately be replaced by hope for a better and brighter future.

Anger - Guilt - Loss of Self-Worth - Grief - Fear

Anger and Guilt

It is fairly obvious that anyone who has been deserted will feel angry and in some cases guilty as well. All emotions are far from straight forward and strong emotions can make one actually sick. Love and hate are remarkably close and this can show itself up after a rejection. Guilt can also follow these extreme feelings; causes of guilt can range from self-blame to feeling guilty about intense and out-of-character emotions and fantasies.

Loss of Self Worth

Again, many people can suffer extreme loss of confidence due to being deserted. Depression and even suicidal thoughts can take over quite quickly, particularly if one becomes sleep-deprived or dependent on any mind-altering substance. It is imperative that help is sought as soon a possible if you are prone to anxiety, depression, panic attacks or phobias due to a loss of self-worth or self-control. It is not unusual for people who may have experienced low self esteem in their formative years to re-experience this again following desertion.

Grief

Many people experience abject grief following desertion and this is for a not-insignificant reason. When a partner dies there is a period of grief often followed by a period of mourning and, although not forgotten, a sense of reconciliation is often experienced. Not so with desertion. Grief can persist as the most prominent emotion and can remain for a lifetime if not addressed.

Fear

We all fear change and the unknown. For most people, fear can be the single most crippling part of being deserted. Loss of identity, loss of position, loss of a place in Society can be causes of this fear. One minute you are a 'we' and the next you are an 'I'. It can feel like you have been dumped into the future on to another planet and you don't even speak the language or know anyone. Fear may arise in places and situations in which you never felt any fear before.

Why not turn this disaster into a life changing experience? See the Pro Help/Therapy page...